Shopping

There is a difference between shopping and going to the shops. And if both sexes understood that difference the better we would get along.
Let me explain. Women go shopping, men go to the shops. If I go out to buy bread I come back with..... bread. That is because I am a bloke. If a woman goes out for bread she comes back with milk, jelly, carrots, bleach, something for the biscuit cupboard (whatever a biscuit cupboard is) and ... bread, including some for the freezer. And that is just with basic everyday shopping. What about the more complex variety... clothes shopping? If I need a pair of jeans I leave the house with one mission in mind. Go to a shop that sells jeans and buy some. It is a perfectly direct, straightforward commando raid on the shop. Go in. Pick jeans. Try on. If they don’t fit, try another pair. If they do fit, buy. Go home. In, out, done. SAS style without the flashes and bangs. This is called the Direct Approach (Male) and is what I mean by “going to the shops”. On the other hand if a woman goes to buy a pair of jeans it takes on the proportions of day trip to Brighton. To start with they don’t go straight to a shop that sells jeans. They go via a shop that sells candles, or lighting, or furniture. This is often followed by a visit to a cosmetics counter, a handbag shop and a shoe shop. They do eventually get to a shop that sells jeans but not just one shop. Often it’s several shops that sell jeans. And many of them “popped into” more than just the once. This is called the Indirect Approach (Female) and is what I mean by “shopping”.
But .. that isn’t the end of it. On completion of the jeans shopping away day, a woman will return with not only a pair of jeans but a consignment of other stuff that we don’t need in the house and a stack of clothes that will only end up on permanent display in the wardrobe. There then follows a conversation that goes something like this.......

“Hi honey. Did you get your jeans”?
“I did.... but they don’t fit”
“They don’t fit???”
“No. They don’t. I will take them back on Monday”
“Errrrr.... can I ask why you bought jeans that don’t fit?”
“They did fit in the shop.”
“I see... they fitted in the shop that you left half an hour ago but now they don’t fit. What happened? Did they shrink in the car? Or did you put on half a stone on the way home? Did you not try them on first?”
“Yes, of course I tried them on, but now they don’t fit. You wouldn’t understand.”

Precisely. I don’t understand so I leave it at that. If someone wants to spend several hours shopping for a pair of jeans and then wants to take them back again, I guess that’s just their thing.

Now that you can see the difference in the female shopping trip and the male trip to the shops, you are probably beginning to understand why a joint venture never works. Since the approach is entirely different for both sexes, a woman should never contemplate taking her man shopping. It can only end in a mutually dispiriting experience (there is no need to advise guys against taking their women shopping .... the idea would not be imaginable). For a start, once a man has been taken into more than two shops, especially ones he would not associate with the purpose of the shopping spree, he starts to disengage his brain as he loses interest in what is starting to become an alien activity. When his brain has been disengaged he starts to become mono-syllabic at best and uncommunicative at worst and, to relieve the boredom, he starts to look at the other women shoppers legs (this is a natural condition of the disengaged male brain which, in that state, reverts to primeval instincts.) None of this makes the woman feel comfortable. His apparent disinterest in her activity and sudden apparent fascination with other women create the beginnings of a chilly atmosphere. All she wants to do is share the shopping experience with her man and point out all the delightful smelly candles, embossed picture frames and various other junk, sorry... knick-knacks, which are placed on the shelves for the pleasure of the female shopper. However, it is not mentally possible for a man to visualise whether that candle she spotted would look nice in the conservatory, particularly when his mind is preoccupied with the stunners on the cosmetics counter. So, don’t ask. He isn’t being awkward. It’s just that his disengaged brain cannot comprehend the question.
The most harmonious way to visit the shops together, if you have to go together, is to place your man on a seat in one of the many coffee outlets in the high street, give him a strong coffee, a Danish Pastry, a newspaper and strict instructions not to move until you get back. He is happier. He can then read the sports pages and look at all the other woman to his heart’s content without serious risk to his relationship.
What you should also avoid like a seriously contagious infection, is taking him clothes shopping and expect him to be your fashion guru and advisor. Never hold up a top on a clothes hanger against your chest and say, “What do you think?” He doesn’t think. He cannot visualise it. He does not have the ability to pass judgement. And that is not because he isn’t interested. It’s because he has to see the whole picture. He has to see a woman in the top and preferably under low lights in a late night wine bar. Then he can maybe make an assessment, although in those circumstances it may be an unreliable assessment influenced somewhat by his bar tab.
Finally, never ask your man the two most relationship damaging questions you can possibly come up with on a shopping trip - “Does this make me look fat?” and “Does my bum look big in this?” In the first case it is an indisputable fact that if you weigh 19 stone, whatever you put on, you will look fat. If you weigh 7st, it is highly likely that no item of clothing will make you look better than undernourished at best. Anything in between and it’s your judgement call. As for the bum question, a man cannot answer that correctly without condemning himself to everlasting doom. Firstly, guys have a sneaking suspicion that you already know the answer to the question or you would not have raised it in the first place. If your bum does look big in those jeans that you spent several hours searching for after taking back the first pair you brought home yesterday, what can he say? If he says you look great you will be taking them straight back again the next day when it finally dawns on you that your bum may be mistaken for the rear end of the QE2. And not only will he be in the dog house for lying but it could well involve him in yet another unwanted shopping trip. On the other hand he cannot be truthful and say, “Yes, your bum does look big in those”, especially not after you’ve caught him ogling all those other women shoppers.