Golf Accessory

I think golf would be a lot less stressful for the amateur golfer if, when you booked your tee time, the pro shop supplied you with a sniffer dog to go round with you, one that was trained to search for and find golf balls. Perhaps a Bloodhound, a Beagle or a Labrador Retriever.

I realise there would be an additional cost for this service, but imagine how helpful it would be when an errant shot found its way into the trees. And how it would help the speed of play when the ball is sniffed out so quickly by the dog.

Of course, to be effective the dogs would have to be taught when not to look for the ball but also, if they are required to find it, not to bring it back.

Imagine …

“For f**k’s sake, Rover, that was a good shot, my best friggin’ drive of the day. What you brought it back for?”

Dog: “Pant, bark…” Expectant look, waiting on a treat.

“No, you don’t get a treat. Look, you only go after the ball if I say so, if I don’t know where it’s ended up. And then you're just meant to find it so I know where it is. Not bring it back. You don't need to bring it back. Capiche? Right, I’m gonna hit another one. Just … just stay.”

Golfer hits shot, 220 yards, lands on the left of the fairway, not a bad position for an approach shot. “Go, baby, go.”

Dog bolts off. Golfer screaming. “Wait! Wait! Rover. F**k’s sake, wait! Aaaargh.”

Dog returns with golf ball, a gleam in his eye like he’d done good.

Exasperated golfer: “Rover, stay ... stay. Good, that's it. Okay. Let’s get this straight. When I said, ‘go, baby, go,’ I didn’t mean you. I was talking to the friggin’ ball.”

Dog drops the ball at the golfer’s feet. Dog tilts his head slightly to the right, a quizzical look in his eye.

Golfer: “Don’t look at me like that. And stop wagging your tail. Okay, when I want you to go look for the ball, I’ll say, ‘find.’ Okay? That’s different from, ‘fetch.’ Perhaps you’ll hear me say something like, ‘oh, shit’ first. Ignore that. I still need to say, ‘find.’ And if I do say that ... I mean say 'find', remember you do not bring the ball back. Just leave it where it is. Right? They must’ve done this in your training? Yeah? If I say nothing, I mean, if I don't say 'find' just treat this like a nice walk. Cool? Right, I’m gonna try this again. Now, sit.”

It might take off.

Smart Kettle

I bought a new kettle. It’s a ‘smart’ kettle - well, it says that on the packaging. So, I decided to test its smartness qualities out in a series of experiments.

My findings are as follows:

1. The kettle’s smartness seems to be limited solely to heating water to different temperatures, although that is limited to five separate temperatures between 80 and 100 degrees (unless I switch it off mid-heating process at say 45 degrees, which would be human intervention and therefore not a smart kettle attribute.)

2. It’s level of smartness seems to be related to the colour of tea - green, white, and black. That is, it heats water according to the colour of tea you want. A degree of smartness, I suppose. There are additions to this (see also 3.) where it can heat water for something called ‘Oolong’ - but nobody knows what ‘oolong’ means so this button was never used in the experiment. It’s possibly a typo and should say, ‘How Long?’ as in giving the operator a timing option.

3. It also has a button for coffee, but it makes no distinction between the numerous coffees on today’s market, for example - flat, skinny, mocha, Frappé, matcha, but I didn’t mark its smartness down on this because I have no frigging idea what these are either and I’m human.

4. It has no internet or blue-tooth connectivity - it won’t link, for example, to my ‘phone, television, laptop or car, each of which are also designated as ‘smart’ although, in fairness, none of those, except my car, can heat water.

Conclusion: As a kettle it performs the basic function of heating water in order to make a beverage or to just have hot water, which, actually, is the minimum expectation from a kettle (possibly the maximum too). However, in terms of ‘smartness,’ which is what this experiment is about, there are shortcomings. Those are highlighted in 1 - 4 above, but to give a fair and balanced view I think it is remarkable that this kettle can distinguish colours and then adjust the water temperature accordingly. That is a fair degree of ‘smartness.’ However, had it been able to connect to my ‘phone or car whereby I could message it when I’m on my way home so it could get a brew on, that would’ve been useful as well as smart. A simple message service such as:

Me - “On my way home.”

Kettle - “Cool. Oolong will you be, master?”

Me - “Ten minutes.”

Kettle - “Cool.”

Now that would be truly smart, although I’d be a bit concerned if it kept saying ‘cool.’

A Full English

I was in a hotel recently. A very nice one. After a restful night I went to the restaurant area and ordered breakfast, a full English. 

But can anyone explain, when you have beans with it, why they put them in their own little dish and serve them up on the same plate as the rest of the breakfast? I wouldn’t mind if they were produced as a side order, but on the same plate? It’s not as if there’s no room for them (I mean on the plate, not in the hotel). 

It keeps happening wherever I stay, and it baffles me. I mean, they don’t serve the sausage up in its own separate receptacle ... nor the bacon. And the egg gets free range to sit where it likes on the plate. So what’s the deal with beans? 

I’m going to ask for peas next time I order a full English breakfast in a hotel, and see what happens.

Polite Society

In polite society ‘how are you’ has evolved into a greeting. That’s it. Nothing more. It’s not meant to be answered with detail. Nobody actually wants to know. The correct response is, “Fine, thanks,” irrespective of your circumstances!

The other day I ran into an acquaintance and politely said, “How are you?”

He then proceeded to tell me. He probably didn’t noticed the glazed expression that had appeared on my face as he listed all his current ailments and what was wrong with him.

I’m thinking, ‘Mate, can you shut up. I can tell what’s wrong with you, I can see what’s wrong with you, I can hear what’s wrong with you, and maybe it ain’t exactly what you think is wrong with you, but no need to add to the friggin’ list.’

Mansplaining

I often think that the way to stave off the decline that can occur as you get older is to embrace modern thinking, stay in touch. With that in mind I have been considering ‘gender identification’ and, in particular, my own. As a result I have decided to come out and officially identify as a man. 

This was not an easy decision. However, there were a number of factors that finally convinced me to make my gender choice:

• my physical attributes
• my physiology 
• the fact that I think like a bloke
• the ability to grow a beard
• the realisation that I can only do one thing at a time
• because I don't light a candle any time I take a bath
• the fact that I don't even consider putting the central heating on until November
• the ability to park a car by reversing in to a parking space and choose that option as a preference
• the fact that I can read a map without spinning it around to the way I am facing
• the fact that I explain things in great detail to anyone who isn't a man 

The only conclusion I could realistically come to then was that I had to identify as male ... seven days a week and not just on Wednesdays so I can go swimming. So, I have accepted these quirks of nature and realise they lead to only one place. I'm a man.

It is with heavy heart that I declare this since ‘man’ is not the most popular of genders these days given the huge focus in the media and politics on women, but I could not have been true to myself had I tried to claim female gender or even attempted to identify as ‘they’.

I also realise I could lose a lot of friends over this declaration but at least I’m thinking in a modern manner so it has to be worth it.

Now I just need to spend a shed load of money on new clothes!

Climate Change

Having come out of a lovely summer in the UK with sunny days almost a distant memory, I've had time to reflect. Firstly, I should say that having lived in the UK, part of the Northern Hemisphere, my experience is that, not only is the weather a regular topic of conversation for British people but it is also the subject for constant complaint. In winter people moan about the cold, the damp, the drizzle, that it's raining 'all the time,' how winter is so dull and how they wish they were lying on a beach in Ibiza or had the money to buy a retreat in sunnier climes, such as Spain. Then, in the summer, for the first few weeks they welcome the warmer sunnier days - women get the chance to bring out their summer dresses while men decide to dress like toddlers (flip flops and ill fitting shorts) - and seem to love the warmer weather. But as soon as the hot weather persists for a lengthy sustained period, and once the weather forecasters get in front of their 'apocalypse now' weather maps with their lurid yellow, orange and red colours covering the British Isles, the summer moaning starts - 'it's so hot'; 'I can't work in this heat'; 'we need to cancel our meeting 'cos there's no aircon'; ' I can't wait for it to rain.' And of course, global warming. Yeah, it's a thing to some degree but ... 

Back in the day, well, to be precise, at the end of the last Ice Age, eleven thousand seven hundred years, four months, two and a half weeks ago, as the planet warmed up and the ice retreated, the weather forecasters were not going apoplectic about global warming. There are no records to suggest any panic. There are also no records of schools closing, people being told not to go out unless they really had to, or to remember to drink water. Not a trace.

No, the weathermen of the day kept it simple. A forecast was nothing more than, “it’ll be hotter tomorrow.” It was notable that it was only men who did weather forecasts back then in the Ice Age because women were too clever to get involved. They got together and said, “we ain’t doin’ no forecasting! Wot? They fink we’re stoopid? Hah! No way. We start doin’ forecasting an’ they’ll make out we’re all witches. Them guys wanna do forecasting, let ‘em, knock ‘emselves out”

So the guys got on with it, and there were none of the gaudy coloured maps that make it look like Armageddon is happening this week, before it all goes back to normal next week. The weathermen simply watched the ice retreat with no mention of global warming, even though it was actually real global warming with the oceans warming up and releasing massive amounts of stored carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, increasing greenhouse gases, trapping more heat and melting the ice. And as it got warmer, populations started to move north en masse to find new lands to settle in.

Nobody questioned it - well, except the women who WERE actually witches, but kept that information to themselves. Their inquisitive minds soon realised that as populations moved north, the weight of mass migration caused the Earth to tilt and consequently change its orbit, and that meant the Northern Hemisphere started to get more direct sunlight. So, they encouraged it. And it worked.

Soon, under the weight of movement, the ice retreated until it reached the top of the planet where the Earth’s orbit was not affected by the sun, and the ice would no longer melt. So, the women said, “Let’s stay here and build houses out of … out of, erm … ice.”
“You’re bonkers,” said the men.
“Wot about ‘em?” replied the women.
“No … no … not your … you ARE bonkers. We’ll freeze our nuts off if we stay here,” said the men.
“WE won’t,” said the women.
“Yeah, but you know what we mean. We just left the ice age and now you wanna stay here?”
“Well, it’s too friggin’ far to walk back,” said the women. “We’ll build ice houses, make a village and call it … Icy Mo’s Village, after our leader Maureen.”
The men looked at one another and mumbled between themselves. “S’pose it’s a long way back. We’ll give it ago. Anyway … it’ll be hotter tomorrow.” And they said to the women, "You're right, the climate is changing. You girls should be weather forecasters."

"We already done that chat, " the women said. "You guys do it."

Yeah, we live in the Northern Hemisphere. Our winters will be chilly and our summers will be warm.

Critical Difference Theory

I’ve worked it out - the difference between men and women. Took a while but I’m now content. Not the obvious physical difference, that’s simple enough. No, the mindset, the thinking, the approach to life. In other words, the critical difference.

Baths and showers. That’s it!

Forget all that, ‘women are from Venus, men are from Mars’ stuff. That can be condensed into a much more down to Earth example. Yes, baths and showers. Let me explain.

Generally, women love to take a bath but men much prefer to shower. When it comes to bath time, women love to make an event out of it - essential oils, soft lighting, scented candles, calming music, perhaps even a light white wine, indulging and pampering themselves. Men just turn on the shower, get in, scrub themselves clean and get out. A five minute, non-thinking, functional job.

And in those moments we see the difference. Women - in touch with their inner selves, their emotional brain, the side that creates empathy, indulges feeling, develops tactility. Men - it’s an essential task, zero emotional input, get it done, move on, get on with life.

Simplistic, I know, but from each of those approaches we can begin to see the critical difference and therefore better understand the attitudes of both genders to life and how they behave.

N.B:

1. The above is based on perceived specific behaviour traits based on observation (No! Not peering in through bathroom windows; observation on listening to people and over lifetime some actual experience) and is not intended to compare one gender less favourably than the other. It is accepted that women shower too; it is accepted that men sometimes take baths, usually to alleviate a minor sports injury but never use candles and any additional and unnecessary paraphernalia when they do.

2. For any astronomers reading this, the reference to three specific planets was simply to enhance the narrative and was not intended to convey any scientific input. And if you are an astronomer, well done for reading this far when clearly this had nothing to do with astronomy. 

3. The above refers to ‘both genders’ for two reasons. The first is that in this case it focusses simply on what was considered the norm for many centuries, men and women, and therefore is using those categories as the sample. The second because the writer has no knowledge of bathing habits related to any other gender.

4. It is understood that not every time a woman decides to take a bath she makes an event of it. Of course not. Women have busy lives and lots of responsibilities so do not have the time for frequent bathtime indulgence. The point is that when they do have the time, women are much more likely than men to take the approach detailed.

5. No, I didn't have stats to back it up. Who in their right mind does a survey on people's bathing preferences? Oh, yeah, shower gel and soap companies perhaps.