Airport Woes

Is travelling by aeroplane getting more difficult instead of better? 

I am had reason to fly to Europe just recently and for the few days before my departure I was been bombarded with tosh saying… you need to do this, you need to do that, you need to fill in this form, your bag size must not exceed this, you musn't pack guns, knives, axes, tear gas in your hold luggage (I kind of guessed that without being told!) and you can't have creams, lotions and potions in your hand luggage; you need to check in before you get to the terminal or else… you must download your boarding pass (I would have if you'd sent the flippin’ things), you can choose your seat for an extra £XX (why would I want to? It’s a two hour flight to Turin so unless there’s an option to sit between two porn stars who will ply me with Champagne the whole flight, I’ll take my chances, and if I end up sitting next to the annoying family from hell on their first trip abroad, that's the luck of the draw. 

I got offered ‘priority boarding’ too. I said, “NO!” Priority boarding only works if you’re the only passenger to get it otherwise you join the scrum to get on with fifty other ‘priority’ boarders who get on just before the backup scrum of the ‘no priority whatsoever’ bunch but who don’t give a toss 'cos they’re getting on the same flight and it ain’t leaving without them!

To top it all, just as I was leaving to drive to the airport, I got a text that had some bollocks that said you need to check in THREE hours before your flight for ‘security’ reasons! Three hours! What security reasons? Specify, please. You want me to dump my luggage and then sit for the next two and a half hours twiddling my thumbs? I mean, would you pitch up at a bus stop three hours before the bus is due? Then when you do finally dump your baggage you have to take off your shoes, belt, jewellery and empty your pockets to get patted down by some bored looking airport official just to get to level two of the airport game. And after all that hassle why can't you walk straight through to where the restaurants and cafes are so you can chill with a coffee or a drink? Yeah, I know you're thinking 'you can, I've done it.' No you can't! I said 'straight through.' You have to follow a winding, circuitous pathway through an array of brightly lit shops selling you shit you don't want! Who needs a litre of perfume before they get on a plane? Or a bottle of whiskey. Or a new jacket. If I wanted to go shopping I would not have pitched up at a flippin' airport! 

It’s all nonsense to control the population (yeah, I nearly mentioned religion!). In future, I’m just going to turn up and say, “Look, I’ve done all that stuff you asked, right. Now, I’ve paid for my flippin’ flight, I’m the customer, I don’t work for your airline; you do, now do some of the work yourself. Oh, and stop looking at my bag as if you’re thinking, ‘Nineteen point seven kilos! What’s he need all that stuff for,’ yeah!” 

Let’s see how I get on!