Lion Hell

It was dark but it was always dark in the animal enclosure deep beneath the grounds of the Colosseum. Night and day didn’t make much difference. One of the lions, a mature male, was restless. His fidgeting disturbed one of the other lions.

“What’s up mate? Somethin’ botherin’ya?”

“Can’t sleep,” the restless lion said.

“Mate, you need to try an’ get some rest. Big day tomorrow.”

“Always a big bleedin’ day here, ain’t it. Hundred days of games and we’re only on day thirty-nine.”

“Well, at least we get to eat a bit better, what wiv all them slaves, criminals, prisoners and Christians they feed us. Stop whingin', will'ya.”

“Well, same flippin' diet every day. Can’t say I like 'em that much. Prefer an antelope or a zebra meself, like wot we used to eat 'fore them Romans captured us and locked us up. Bit barbaric, if you ask me.”

“Wot, eating zebras?”

“No, dickhead. The Romans... locking us up and throwing slaves and people in for food. All them Emperors doing, ain’t it, and they got the cheek to have statues of themselves all over the place an'av things named after them as if they've done people favours.”

“Yeah? What statues and things?”

“Mate, don’t you keep up? I’ve been listening in on the slaves chatting. There’s statues of Caesar, Caligula, Nero, Claudius, Trajan... even Commodus. And that Tiberius geezer, he even got the river here named after him.”

“He did?”

“Yeah, the Tiber. It ain’t right. I reckon they should pull all them statues down and rename the river. He's a wrong'un.”

The other lion rubbed his chin with a paw and stared at the restless lion for a minute. Then he said. “Yeah, but loads of rivers are named after people. Ain’t nuthin’ unusual 'bout that.”

“Yeah? Like which ones?”

“Uh, well... there’s, uh... the Mississippi named after that married woman wot sells a lot of flowers. Then there’s the one in Amerikey, the Potomac named after that Scottish drug dealer. The Congo, named after the old party dance and -"

"Hang on. That ain't right. It's the conga, ain't it?"

"What the river?"

"No, the dance, silly bollocks. I tell'ya how I know that, yeah. 'Cos them slave drivers make the slaves do it as they bring 'em into the arena."

"All right. So, then there's the Missouri, named after that girl who had a sewer and drain cleaning business. Uh... the Mekong in Asia named after that famous acting gorilla. And they even named one after that parcel company, the Amazon."

"I didn't know any of that, but the point is, the Tiber name should be changed into a name that honours all of us wot been affected by them Romans who kept us prisoners and slaves.”

“Yeah, but that’s history, ain’t it. You can’t go wiping out history just 'cos it ain’t bin good sometimes. I mean, you take down all them statues and change all them names, you’re cleansing things as if they didn’t happen.”

“Don’t really care,” the restless lion said. "I look it this way. We don't make a stand now, nuthin'll change. You don't want your ancestors in, I dunno, a thousand odd years living' in captivity and stuck in cages do'ya?"

"Don't be stoopid. Ain't nobody gonna stick wild animals in cages! It's just this lot now, them Romans. All that conquering and power's gone to their heads. It ain't gonna happen."

"Wanna bet?" 

“Nah, I ain't a betting' lion. Anyway, so wot you want to change the name of the river to?”

The restless lion yawned and then said, “Somethin’ that reflects the hell we bin through, particularly us lions.”

“What, lion hell?”

“Yeah! That’s it. Lionel.”

“Lionel? Mate, people will think it’s named after that footballer, Lionel Messi and he’s from Argentina. He's got nuthin' to do with Rome.”

“Don’t matter. I like it. The River Lionel. We’ll start a petition. Right, I’m gonna sleep. Like you said, big day tomorrow.”