A Religion

WARNING: Content may offend the sensitive.

People often muse about where they might go or what they might do if they could travel back in time. You get the usual stuff... you know, shoot Hitler; tip Catherine of Aragon the wink that Henry was having a little mumble with some bint called Anne Boleyn; show up at Wembley Stadium at about 5pm on 30th July 1966 with VAR; have a word with Jackie to tell her husband ‘it’s definitely going to rain later, darling so let’s put the bubble top on the limo before we do Dealy Plaza’ and maybe tell the driver to put his foot down as he passes the grassy knoll. But me, I’d go back to 31AD to the Sea of Galilee. Once I was there I’d ask where I could find this Jesus geezer. As soon as I’d been pointed in the right direction I’d introduce myself...

“Hi. I’m Patrick Shanahan. I’m not from around these parts... I’m from, uh... the future. But I guess you knew that. Look, sorry to interrupt your mission but I wanted to see if I could get five minutes... I mean, a chat. Sorry, I know you and these twelve good guys don’t have watches ‘cos they ain’t been invented yet but, uh, it’s important.”

Now, Jesus, being the good geezer he was who made everyone welcome, would give me the time of day, so then I’d say...

“Mate, I’m right on your programme. I agree with everything you say including that camel and eye of a needle thing, which can probably confuse some. It had me puzzled for a while, I must admit. And, yeah, love thy neighbour... I’m more used to saying ‘your’ but I get thy mumble. Oh, and the poor will enter the kingdom of heaven, and all that, but do me one favour, please.”

I am sure Jesus, with his incredible patience would allow me to make my request and I would, so...

“For Christ’s sake... shit, sorry... I didn’t mean anyth... hang on, maybe that’s right... for your sake, don’t ask Pete over there to start a friggin' church! Trust me, once that happens, they’ll take everything you said and twist it and use it to control people and, frankly, take their money off them in return for doing bugger all! And they'll wrap it all up in something called religion. Seriously! That’s what’s happened to your message. The nobs have taken it and used it for their own ends, for power, to control the poor suckers that you are trying to remind about fundamental basic human decency. Not what you wanted, eh?”

Then I’d take a breath, worried that I’d hijacked a sermon on the mount or something and then I’d say...

“Another favour, my friend, if you will. See this bottle of water? You couldn’t dish it up as a nice Chablis, could you? I could use a drink after that lot.”