Having come out of a lovely summer in the UK with sunny days almost a distant memory, I've had time to reflect. Firstly, I should say that having lived in the UK, part of the Northern Hemisphere, my experience is that, not only is the weather a regular topic of conversation for British people but it is also the subject for constant complaint. In winter people moan about the cold, the damp, the drizzle, that it's raining 'all the time,' how winter is so dull and how they wish they were lying on a beach in Ibiza or had the money to buy a retreat in sunnier climes, such as Spain. Then, in the summer, for the first few weeks they welcome the warmer sunnier days - women get the chance to bring out their summer dresses while men decide to dress like toddlers (flip flops and ill fitting shorts) - and seem to love the warmer weather. But as soon as the hot weather persists for a lengthy sustained period, and once the weather forecasters get in front of their 'apocalypse now' weather maps with their lurid yellow, orange and red colours covering the British Isles, the summer moaning starts - 'it's so hot'; 'I can't work in this heat'; 'we need to cancel our meeting 'cos there's no aircon'; ' I can't wait for it to rain.' And of course, global warming. Yeah, it's a thing to some degree but ...
Back in the day, well, to be precise, at the end of the last Ice Age, eleven thousand seven hundred years, four months, two and a half weeks ago, as the planet warmed up and the ice retreated, the weather forecasters were not going apoplectic about global warming. There are no records to suggest any panic. There are also no records of schools closing, people being told not to go out unless they really had to, or to remember to drink water. Not a trace.
No, the weathermen of the day kept it simple. A forecast was nothing more than, “it’ll be hotter tomorrow.” It was notable that it was only men who did weather forecasts back then in the Ice Age because women were too clever to get involved. They got together and said, “we ain’t doin’ no forecasting! Wot? They fink we’re stoopid? Hah! No way. We start doin’ forecasting an’ they’ll make out we’re all witches. Them guys wanna do forecasting, let ‘em, knock ‘emselves out”So the guys got on with it, and there were none of the gaudy coloured maps that make it look like Armageddon is happening this week, before it all goes back to normal next week. The weathermen simply watched the ice retreat with no mention of global warming, even though it was actually real global warming with the oceans warming up and releasing massive amounts of stored carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, increasing greenhouse gases, trapping more heat and melting the ice. And as it got warmer, populations started to move north en masse to find new lands to settle in.
Nobody questioned it - well, except the women who WERE actually witches, but kept that information to themselves. Their inquisitive minds soon realised that as populations moved north, the weight of mass migration caused the Earth to tilt and consequently change its orbit, and that meant the Northern Hemisphere started to get more direct sunlight. So, they encouraged it. And it worked.
Soon, under the weight of movement, the ice retreated until it reached the top of the planet where the Earth’s orbit was not affected by the sun, and the ice would no longer melt. So, the women said, “Let’s stay here and build houses out of … out of, erm … ice.”
“You’re bonkers,” said the men.
“Wot about ‘em?” replied the women.
“No … no … not your … you ARE bonkers. We’ll freeze our nuts off if we stay here,” said the men.
“WE won’t,” said the women.
“Yeah, but you know what we mean. We just left the ice age and now you wanna stay here?”
“Well, it’s too friggin’ far to walk back,” said the women. “We’ll build ice houses, make a village and call it … Icy Mo’s Village, after our leader Maureen.”
The men looked at one another and mumbled between themselves. “S’pose it’s a long way back. We’ll give it ago. Anyway … it’ll be hotter tomorrow.” And they said to the women, "You're right, the climate is changing. You girls should be weather forecasters."
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