Golf Accessory

I think golf would be a lot less stressful for the amateur golfer if, when you booked your tee time, the pro shop supplied you with a sniffer dog to go round with you, one that was trained to search for and find golf balls. Perhaps a Bloodhound, a Beagle or a Labrador Retriever.

I realise there would be an additional cost for this service, but imagine how helpful it would be when an errant shot found its way into the trees. And how it would help the speed of play when the ball is sniffed out so quickly by the dog.

Of course, to be effective the dogs would have to be taught when not to look for the ball but also, if they are required to find it, not to bring it back.

Imagine …

“For f**k’s sake, Rover, that was a good shot, my best friggin’ drive of the day. What you brought it back for?”

Dog: “Pant, bark…” Expectant look, waiting on a treat.

“No, you don’t get a treat. Look, you only go after the ball if I say so, if I don’t know where it’s ended up. And then you're just meant to find it so I know where it is. Not bring it back. You don't need to bring it back. Capiche? Right, I’m gonna hit another one. Just … just stay.”

Golfer hits shot, 220 yards, lands on the left of the fairway, not a bad position for an approach shot. “Go, baby, go.”

Dog bolts off. Golfer screaming. “Wait! Wait! Rover. F**k’s sake, wait! Aaaargh.”

Dog returns with golf ball, a gleam in his eye like he’d done good.

Exasperated golfer: “Rover, stay ... stay. Good, that's it. Okay. Let’s get this straight. When I said, ‘go, baby, go,’ I didn’t mean you. I was talking to the friggin’ ball.”

Dog drops the ball at the golfer’s feet. Dog tilts his head slightly to the right, a quizzical look in his eye.

Golfer: “Don’t look at me like that. And stop wagging your tail. Okay, when I want you to go look for the ball, I’ll say, ‘find.’ Okay? That’s different from, ‘fetch.’ Perhaps you’ll hear me say something like, ‘oh, shit’ first. Ignore that. I still need to say, ‘find.’ And if I do say that ... I mean say 'find', remember you do not bring the ball back. Just leave it where it is. Right? They must’ve done this in your training? Yeah? If I say nothing, I mean, if I don't say 'find' just treat this like a nice walk. Cool? Right, I’m gonna try this again. Now, sit.”

It might take off.