Humans

I overheard a conversation the other day between two spiders. (I have acute hearing.... can hear things that even dogs can’t hear!). It went like this.

First Spider (FS): I have a confession to make. I have a phobia about humans.

Second Spider (SS): Humans? Why? They're harmless!

FS: You sure? I saw one the other day and it was HUGE. That size!

SS: Don’t exaggerate. They're never that size.

FS: I’m telling you. It was..... and the legs.... uuurrgh... it only had two legs and was moving so fast.

SS: They do move fast especially when they see one of us. Did you know they're scared of us?

FS: Scared... of us? Don’t be stupid. They're waaay tooooo big to be scared of us.

SS: Trust me. They are scared. That is why they move so fast when they see one of us. Some of them even stand on those chair things when they see us. I am always worried they're going to try jumping on me.

FS: Blimey.... I often wondered why humans do that. My cousin tries to put them outside when he sees them but can never catch them.

SS: Yeah, it’s not easy. They run so fast. Always scurrying. I thought about trying to trap them in a box and put them outside, but to be honest I could never find a box big enough. And the other thing is, if you do manage to put them out they always seem to get back in again.

FS: I know. It’s creepy. If I had a spine it would make it shiver... uuuurgh. I can’t bear to think about them.

SS: Have you tried therapy?

FS: No... do you drink it or eat it?

SS: No stupid.. It’s a learning thing. Learning how to overcome your fear of humans. They teach you that your fear is irrational because humans are just as scared of us spiders. They even get you to a stage where you can happily pick them up.

FS: Pick them up? Blimey! What, do they send you on a weight training course for four years?

SS: No. It's a mind over matter technique. They show you how to cope with your fear. You could always try hypnosis... and, no, it’s not another drink.

FS: I don’t know. I don’t think anything could make me overcome my fear of humans. You know what I hate most?

SS: What?

FS: Their houses. They build these places they live in that trap you in them. Very cunning I think. I mean, why can’t they have webs like we do?

SS: Yes, you're right about that.... hang on.... here comes a human now.

FS: Oh... god... I've gone all shivery. I know it’s bad but I think we should just stamp on it!