Prophets

Before prophets I presume there were no prophets. Then one day a chap came along (this was well before female prophets like Deborah, Miriam, Huldah, Anna and the like got involved) and said, “Listen up!” (For it was likely that he was an early American). “I am a prophet.”

And the multitudes (early gangs) said, “Err, wot? A profit?”

“Nah... a prophet with a PH.”

“A PH?” queried the multitude.

“Ain’t that a figure expressing the acidity or alkalinity of a solution on a logarithmic scale on which 7 is neutral, lower values are more acid and higher values more alkaline and wot ain’t even been invented yet?”

“Well it ought to be invented soon,” a voice amongst the multitude said, “the Dead Sea’s on it’s last legs.”

“Course it is, nob. That’s why we’re calling it the Dead Sea,” the multitude responded.

The chap that claimed to be a prophet held a hand up and said, “Look, I ain’t getting this scientific stuff mainly cos science ain’t been invented yet... well, unless you count all that stuff them Young Egyptians (for they were not yet Ancient) and Greeks are up to... talking of which, that Thagorus bloke confuses the hell out of me with his Theorems. When he’s not eating all the pies he’s always bloody spouting theorems. And that’s my point.”

“What is?” the multitude cried.

“I’m a prophet. He’s all.... theorems. I'm different I tell it like it is.”

“Like what then? What’s this profit thing with a PH?”

The chap drew himself up to his full height and said, “A prophet, such as I am.... err, prophesies.”

“Prophesies?” the multitude queried in unison.

“Yeah... tells the future.”

“Right. But how come we never had them before? How come nobody said you was coming?”

“Simple, innit. That’s cos there was no prophets before me.”

“So you’re the first profit with a PH?” the multitude said.

“Yeah, I am... and why are you all speaking in unison?”

“What? We’re a multitude, innit. Anyway, what you saying about the future?”

The chap who claimed to be a prophet stroked his hair and said, “I prophesy that... that... there will be one.”

“Be one?” the multitude gasped, causing the Dead Sea to create a sudden tide.

The chap that claimed to be a prophet threw his hands in the air and loudly proclaimed, “There will be a future. And the future will be cursed.”

The multitude was silent, quizzical looks passing between them. Then, the voice that had warned of the Dead Sea’s plight shouted out in irritation, thus creating the world’s first expletive... “Fukdisshit.”