Freedom of Speech

Doctor meeting with young couple to discuss a 16 week pregnancy scan...

"Good afternoon. Mx and Mx Smith. Nice to see you. Please, sit down. How did you find that? Pretty straight forward I hope."

"Yes, absolutely fine. We're keen to hear the results," the pregnant woman replies.

"Of course. But before we begin, can I introduce Donnie McDonnell, the hospital's Diversity and Gender Equalities Officer. Donnie will simply be monitoring our conversation... just a routine process now in doctor patient care."

The couple nod a greeting as does Donnie.

The doctor continues. "I've  studied your scan and I'm pleased to say all is well. You have a very nice little person doing just fine."

The couple both smile and glance at each other. Then the woman says, "Thank you. Could I ask, is it a boy or a girl?"

"Excuse me. We don't use the 'B' or 'G' words here," Donnie says. "I hope I don't need to remind you that since the recent introduction of the Diversity, Gender, Equalities and Official Speech Amendment Bill, reference to the gender of a person is considered a hate crime."

The couple glance at one another again but before they have time to respond Donnie turns to the doctor and says, "And Doctor, please moderate your language and refrain from using sizest expressions."

"Sizest? What did I say?"

Donnie flicks a strand of crimson hair from his eyes and gazes intently at the doctor. "You referred to the person as 'little.' You know that word is offensive in that context."

"Oh, yes sorry. It just slipped out. Old habits and all that. Anyway, where were we?"

The man responds. "Look Doctor my wife and I just wanted –”

"Let me stop you right there," Donnie says. "I'm afraid I have to warn you that I cannot accept such references."

"References?"

"Yes, the 'W' word."

The man scratches his head and looks puzzled. Then he leans forward. "Oh... wife?"

"Yes, indeed."

"Uh, what's wrong with 'wife? We're married."

"It's outlawed. A highly offensive word designed to subjugate one person in a partnership, lowering them to the level of a possession or chattel. Can we please continue without using these demeaning terms." Donnie turns away. "Doctor."

"Err... oh yes... erm, is there anything else you would like to ask?"

The pregnant woman shrugs and then says, "I'm sorry we've caused any offence, but we were just thinking about names for our baby and –”

Donnie's face turns purple, a similar shade to his lipstick. "Excuse me. No. No. Not acceptable."

"What, to name our baby?"

"No. Another 'B' word. Have you not studied the Party Language Directive for Acceptable Terminology in a Modern Inclusive State?"

"Err... no, not entirely," the man says.

"Well, it’s time you di then.” Donnie says. "If you had then you'd know that that particular word is demeaning as it implies that the unborn is not a fully formed person with rights like –”

"But it's not a fully formed person. It's a baby."

"Mx Smith. I shall have to terminate this consultation if you insist on using politically incorrect language."

"We're sorry," the pregnant woman says. "We just wanted to know what our ba... err, person will be... for a name, that's all."

"I can help you there. I can email you the Party's brochure on names that fit our current Gender Neutral programme. Kervilin and Anbozda are very popular at present but there are many more equally beautiful options out there."

The pregnant woman wipes away a tear. "I feel sick. Is there a toilet I can use Doctor? It's all been a bit much today."

"Which type of toilet?" Donnie asks. "We have fifty-two designated washroom areas."

"Fifty-two?"

"Yes, they reflect the incredible diversity of this country. We have options for our cross-dressing society, our religious cultures, some for the one legged community, the hard of hearing, the gender neutral, persons of indeterminate IQ, non-binary beings, rehabilitated prisoners, asylum seekers, the persecuted, the insane, communists, and former EU economists, amongst others.”

"Oh... uh, do you not just have a ladies toilet?"