What has often puzzled me is why, at spiritualist meetings when the medium makes contact with some random spirit, they always get the same type of messages! You know, “I’m getting a… a B, yes… Ball… Bill…” and, in response to a gasp in the audience, “Yes, Bill. He says… Aunt Maisie’s car is going to fail its MOT.” No, if I ever went to such a meeting, what I’d want to hear from any spirit that feels it’s worth showing up in a dreary church hall or bingo hall on a wet Friday night, is something a bit more informative, maybe along these lines: “Hi, guys. Thanks for inviting me to your, uh, little social gathering. You’ve all showed up ‘cos you wanna hear stuff from the ‘other side’, yeah? Cool, let me fill you in.
“So, first of all let me just confirm the burning question you’ve all wondered about. You have, haven’t you… you Know, wondered? You haven’t all turned up to hear about MOTs surely? Ha, just kidding. Yep, there is a Heaven! And, I’ll tell you what, it ain’t bad at all. In fact it’s blinding. All right, couple of things you gotta get used to first, like them angels and particularly their main man, Gabriel… mind you, I say ‘man’ but with that long blonde hair and them fancy fluffy wings, he could be anything. I dunno. Always smiling a lot too. Don’t know what he… uh, she’s smoking, but who’s judging, eh? Well, I s’pose God is. Yeah, you gotta go through all that judgement stuff once you get up here. Bit nerve wracking, if I’m honest… and I must be ‘cos they let me in! But Pete, the bouncer geezer on the gate, is pretty cool and puts you at your ease. Oh, and speaking of God, he’s pretty cool too, likes a laugh. Well, as he says, he must do. He made the human race… and octopuses. Yeah, he said ‘octopuses’. He reckons ‘octopi’ is pretentious nonsense. Anyway, he ain’t got a beard… God that is… well not one of them long ones all them painters used to stick on him. He has a bit of the old stubble now and then, sure, but what bloke don’t? And, yeah, he is a bloke. He has a chuckle when the sisterhood call him ‘she’. As he says, what woman is gonna make a fuk up like the human race?
“Another thing, the people you meet up here! I had
a drink with Adam and Eve the other day - yeah, they got back together once Eve
got rid of the snake. We had a couple of glasses of cider. Makes a change from
the local brew, milk and honey. And Eve’s making better use of the apples these
days too. Ran into Muhammad Ali as well… yeah, I know he’s different religion
but, guys, it’s all the same place! Big surprise, eh? Shouldn’t be. How can you
have more than one ‘heaven’? Ain’t like it’s a competition! You live your best
life and, what, you get a choice of different heavens? Get real. So, Ali was having
some banter with his mate, Smokin’ Joe and they was just being chilled. It’s
that sort of place.
“You know who I wanted to check out? Adolf Hitler. I know it sounds a bit odd but I s’pose I was curious. Thought I’d look him up. I had a few questions. Turns out he ain’t here. They sent him down… yeah, that place exists too… along with several other murdering megalomaniacs and numerous nutty religious leaders. But don’t panic. The judgement thing isn’t a fifty-fifty lottery. For Pete to let you in you’ve only gotta be a decent person, that’s it. Nah, nobody’s worried if you don’t go to church on a Sunday - I never went. Mind you, if you do and you bin singing them half-wit hymns, God is gonna think twice. Only joking, but I’m telling’ya, them hymns piss him right off. He don’t even listen no more. He’s sick of the dreary tunes and the sycophantic bollocks in the lyrics. Trust me. He told me that himself. Mind you, not surprised if the religious lot’ve bin bending his ear with that nonsense for centuries.
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