Flying Irks

Is travelling by aeroplane (is it ‘airplane’ these days?) getting more difficult instead of better? I am due on a flight in the morning and for the past few days I’ve been bombarded with tosh saying, ‘You need to do this, you need to do that, you need to fill in this form, your bag size must not exceed this, we need your Advanced Passenger Information, you need to check in before you get to the terminal or else… you must download your boarding pass (I would if you send the flippin’ things), you can choose your seat for an extra £794.’ Why would I want to choose my seat? It’s a two hour flight to Turin so unless there’s an option to sit between two porn stars who will ply me with Champagne throughout the flight, I’ll take my chances, and if I end up sitting next to the village idiot on his or her (equality needs to be fair across all categories) first trip abroad, too bad. 

I got offered ‘priority boarding’ too. I said, “NO!” Priority boarding might work if you were the only passenger to get it, otherwise you join the scrum to get on with fifty other ‘priority’ boarders who get on just before the backup scrum of the ‘no priority whatsoever’ bunch who don’t give a toss ’cos they’re getting on the same flight as the you and it ain’t leaving without them!

To top it all, just as I was leaving to drive to Stansted, I get a text that has some bollocks that says you need to check in THREE hours before your flight for ‘security’ reasons! Three hours! What security reasons? Specify, please, if you want me to dump my luggage and then sit for the next two and a half hours twiddling my thumbs. I mean, would you pitch up at a bus stop three hours before the bus is due?

It’s all nonsense to control the population, bit like religion! 

I'm just going to pitch up and say, “Look, I’ve done all that stuff you asked for, I’ve paid for my flippin’ flight, I’m the customer, I don’t work for your airline, but you do; so now do some of the work yourself. Oh, and stop looking at my bag as if you’re thinking, ‘Nineteen point seven kilos! What’s he need all that stuff for?’  

Let’s see how I get on!